Do you have a Dysfunctional Relationship with Self?

"So let’s talk about you,” I said to him. “It’s been a year knowing you. I know a lot about your family and friends but what about you?” I urged. “What kind of relationship would you say you have with self?” It was a lazy Sunday afternoon and he had called. I missed his call and was now returning it. I was very relaxed enjoying his beautiful voice but then I felt the need to ask. He laughed. That sexy laugh I loved hearing. His laughter turned into a chuckle. “You always ask those deep questions Uduak,” he responded. “I am not so sure I want to go there.” Laughing with him I replied, “then we won’t go there.”

I started asking silly questions I already knew answers to. Questions that made him laugh some more, like the color of his eyes, favorite feature he loved on a woman etc. Somehow, we ended up revisiting the initial question . . . and it got deep, as he predicted.

My asking him the “self’ question wasn’t to intrude. I asked because, of late, I have a burning desire to figure out whether people actually think about the relationships they have with self? I never asked or thought to ask myself that question until adulthood. With me, like most, there is a very dysfunctional sense of who we are defined by negative childhood experiences e.g. trauma, parent’s divorce etc. and the garbage we let society including family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives etc. indoctrinate us with. We are used to people telling us what and how we are supposed to feel about ourselves. It begins with childhood where we are taught to think about relationship with others but little emphasis, if any, is placed on a relationship with self. By the time we become teenagers and later young adults, we define ourselves through the lenses of how others view us, which is usually negative.

Do you love yourself? Where does the idea that you don’t deserve love come from? Who have you given your power/permission to tell you, you are a mistake? Ugly? Too fat? A failure? You won’t succeed at that business? You are lucky if that man/woman loves you? You'll never find that lifetime partner? Why do you feel so bad about yourself when you make mistakes? Where does this sense of guilt and shame you constantly feel come from? These are questions that you must ask to begin to identify and get to truly loving self.

Answering these questions necessarily means getting rid of your outward façade of confidence and, most likely, revisiting your childhood to ask the ultimate question, “do I have a dysfunctional relationship with self?

Remain Blessed,
~Uduak